“For my presentation today, I’ll be reading my PowerPoint slides word for word and standing with my back to you.”

Ever wondered what your beleaguered audience is thinking while you bang-on in front of them?

Check it out…

“I’m not a cat.”

I don’t care how many times you flick that red laser in my eyes. I’m not a cat and I’m not going to chase it.

“Can’t I read this on my own?”

Why do I have to listen to you reading the slides to me? If you just email them to me I can read them at my desk and save us both time?

“…And?”

You’ve told me about a whole lot of “stuff.” What’s the point?

“Yeah, I know.”

Yawn. Yeah, I know. I read ahead on your slide a good two minutes before you announced it.

“I can’t keep my legs crossed much longer!”

If you’d told us that this 2 hour presentation wasn’t going to have a break we’d have run to the bathroom before coming in.

“You’re almost as apathetic about this as me!”

The only reason I’m paying any attention now is because your monotone and lack of enthusiasm is funny considering this is your project. Is this you at your most excited?

“Seriously! I need to pee!”

The presentation was meant to end 7 minutes ago and you’re lips are still moving. Here are your options: Get a move on; give us some indication when you are going to release us from this hell; or use your eyes, understand we’re uncomfortable, and give us a break.

“Take your bullet points and shove ’em!”

We’re not in elementary school. Don’t ask me to read your bullet points out loud. You do the work and leave me in peace to not listen to you.

“Is that a bald patch?”

I can’t focus when you’re reading your bullet points. All I can see is the back of your head… and that bald patch I’d never noticed before is distracting.

“Is this some kind of religious service?”

You’re looking down, hands clasped, holding some written material. I expect the collection basket will come out any moment now.

“You’re sorry?”

Thanks for apologizing for being unprepared. I’m sorry too. I’m sorry that I didn’t come down with a sudden mystery illness 5 minutes before this steaming pile of crap.

“I don’t care if you use slides, just get a move on!”

Why am I sitting here while you hem and haw and mess around with the projector? If you can’t get the projector working, ditch the slides, and get on with your presentation. I have got more important things to be doing, like watching paint dry.

“I bet you’re a bad dancer.”

What’s with all the jerky movements? Stand still and talk to me like a regular human being.

“Who’s hanging back there on the wall?”

Why are you making eye contact with the wall at the back of the room? You realize me and 20 other hostages are sitting here desperate for some attention?

“STCK YR ACRNYMS WHR THE SN DNT SHN”

Are you speaking Patois or are you just being a jerk? Why does every second utterance need to be an acronym? Speak a common language with us or stop talking. Maybe your bullet points aren’t that bad after all.

“Are your arms taped to the side of your body?”

Why don’t your arms move? Seriously, they’re just dangling there by your sides. I can’t focus on your presentation content because I feel like I should call a paramedic to take care of your arm disease before it infects us all.

“You look like karaoke Marcel Marceau!”

Nicely timed gestures. The way your speech slows down to allow your gestures to catch up takes effort. Keep up the good work!

“Vitality is not something you were gifted with.”

I know I should probably be pumped to hear about our good financial results and the prospects of another bumper year. Truth is, I’m distracted by your impression of an undertaker suffering Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

“We’re still here.”

It doesn’t matter how much you close your eyes and look down we’re not going anywhere. You just can’t wish your audience away.

“Is your nickname Mumbles?”

The way you are able to expel words with no spaces between them is truly amazing. Long live the 26 syllable word!

“That lectern is going to need counselling.”

It’s not possible to stand any closer to the lectern without doing yourself some serious damage. Step back, relax, and avoid a lawsuit from an inanimate object.